Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you Fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ar*se ... then things just get worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.